Today is Mother’s Day. A day to celebrate whomever plays/played the role of mother in your life. Interesting as I type this the uncomfortable feeling in my stomach… My mom passed 3 1/2 years ago from brain cancer. It wasn’t pretty those last several months, as you might imagine. I’m not going to lie…she’s better off where she is now, than she was in that broken, wilted human body. At the time of her passing, and almost everyday after for over 3 years, I was good with it. I say “almost everyday”…there were, of course, some “not so good” days in there. But, I have a strong spiritual practice and a belief that allows me peace with death…usually… Then a couple of months ago I got hit hard. It came out of the blue, as these moments often do.
I’ve got a lot going on in my life as of late (many of us do). As I was neck deep in challenging circumstances, I got a gut punch. You know the ones? When you’re physically doubled over, you can’t breathe, and you feel like the rug was just ripped out from under your feet? It literally HIT me – if my mother were still alive, she would be here with me right now. She would drop everything and be here for me. And she’s not. She’s not!! And it hurt. A LOT! I found myself curled up in a ball, sobbing… the little girl inside of me saying outloud, “I want my mommy”. — I don’t do this. This was not ‘normal’ for me. And yet…it’s completely normal. My mommy…is gone. My mom lived on the other side of the country. So, we didn’t see each other as often as I’d have liked. I’ve lived a very independent life since I was 18 years old. I didn’t ‘lean on her’ often. But I knew…she would have been there for me, and she wasn’t…she couldn’t be…she’s gone!
This same, curling up in a ball sobbing, experience happened a couple more times over the next week or so. I couldn’t make sense of WHY, all of a sudden, after all this time, it would hit me so hard. That’s the thing though. None of us knows when it’s going to hit…grief… It defies logic. It defies time. It defies reason. So what do we do? Well, I’ll tell you what I did (I hope it will help). I let it in. I felt it all. — Sure it hurt like hell. Sure I wished it would stop. AND, I knew I had to be with it. There is no going around, over, or under the darkness. There is only through.
There. Is. Only. Through.
And I made it through… I may have to make the journey through again at some future point. We can never know for sure when we are done grieving. But you know what? I’ll make it through. And so will you.
I offer you this…with all the love I can muster up. When you’re about to dive into the darkness (or when it smacks you, unwelcomed, in the face) do what you need to get grounded, connect with those who support you in your life, give yourself space and time (literally), connect to The Divine / God / Source, and breathe…by all means breeeeeaaaathe!!! Cry and scream and hit pillows… Pray, meditate, sleep for a day… Do what you need to, you’ll know what that is. The darkness, the pain, the sorrow, the fear…whatever it is…it will pass, if you allow it to move through you. Don’t bury it. Don’t hide from it. Don’t hope it will go away. I wish more than that for you. Your soul wishes more than that for you. I believe with all of my heart that YOU, in all your human-ness, wish more than that for you. So, take a deep breath and trust that you’ll come out the other side lighter and freer than before. I’ll be there too…on the other side. I wouldn’t ask anything of you that I’m not willing to do myself, after all. I’m truly sorry for what causes you pain and suffering. If I could wave a magic wand, throw faerie dust upon you, or wiggle my nose and make it all go away…I would. And yet, I cannot. Truthfully…I should not. There would be no growth in that for you. No true healing. Sigh… This gift of humanity with all it’s light AND darkness is ours to experience fully. I do hope you’ll join me in that. I do hope you will… 🙏🏻❤️
Now, I know my mom is not here in the earthly realm any longer. But, she is, in fact, here with me always. I know this to be true. Happy Mother’s Day, mom. I love you. I feel you. I honor you today and always. And to all you mothers (and mother figures) out there…you are loved and cherished and appreciated for all you do and all you are.
Love in Abundance,